CRITICISM: EASIER SAID THAN DONE

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In any relationship between two people, there is an apparent human trait to contend with when it comes to effective communication, that is defensiveness.  Nobody likes to hear things that aren’t complimentary.  It is easy to declare that we welcome criticism, but the truth can hurt more than what we are prepared for.

The strangest thing about vulnerability is that we try our hardest not to acknowledge it.  Our instinct tell us either fight or flee, where ‘flight’ manifests itself into a form of defensiveness where we try to protest, explain or argue.

When having a relationship with someone, we have to tread carefully when it comes to dispensing constructive criticism.  Friendship is the easiest form of relationship because we hardly have the need to give negative feedback.  Friends are always more tolerant of each other’s faults, simply because we don’t have to see, experience or face it very often.  We may prefer not to say anything that may be considerate a criticism because we don’t want to rock the boat.

We actually have a lot to lose when we try to give advice or what we think is constructive criticism.  We risk losing the person and even risk them hating us.  Its little wonder that majority of us would rather keep our opinions to ourselves or complain to a 3^rd party.  We also do not want to be seen as the ‘bad guy.’  The payoff for telling someone something unpleasant about themselves is extremely low.

People who bother to even offer advice are usually those who love us, our bosses and the ladies from the HR department.  Ironic as it is, when we offer advice or opinion or constructive criticism, we are usually seen as ‘not supportive’ when, actually those people who are most supportive of us who would risk doing that.

It is always painful when someone we love and respect says something negative about us.  It hurts because we care what they think.  Often, we react defensively.  Sometimes we react defensively because:

• ·         We are well aware of our own weakness yet we have not yet able to overcome it.
• ·        We choose to pretend the weakness is not there and when someone says something, it           brings truth to truth
• ·         We feel that we are being forced to face something we are not ready to deal with yet
• ·         Of our own guilt and pride

Being defensive is an emotional response where we are protecting our feelings and pride.  Some people are considerate with their honesty while others are just brutally honest.  Whichever the manner the advice or criticism is delivered, it’s our choice whatever we want it to affect us negatively.

When making the choice whatever to discard certain advice, please think more than twice since there may come a day when you will find that the advice somehow makes sense.  There’s no harm in listening to advice or criticism even though it may give the impression of you agreeing.  At the end of the day, it’s actually your choice whatever to accept or reject the advice or criticism.

When someone random or acquaintances who don’t know us well say something about our character, it is an opinion, not criticism.  Criticism comes from people who know us and whom we respect and care about.

Xandria Ooi

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