Short Notes From:
EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES AT WORK
Dealing with Bosses and
Coworkers Who Brain You Dry
Albert J. Bernstein, PhD.
McGraw Hill Education
258 pages
Protect Yourself From The Emotional Vampires
The brain
operates in two separate modes called dual process theory:
·
Fast
thinking which is automatic and emotional, and
·
Slow
thinking which is more reasoned and rational
In real life,
the head should rule the heart, or someone will get hurt. Fast thinking is mediated by the programming
that came in the box with our brains.
Slow thinking involves using the newer areas of the brain to manually
override the automatic programming and substitute rationale analysis for
physiological reaction. The ability to
analyze a situation and do what needs to be done rather than what we feel like
doing is the very essence of maturity.
Emotional
vampires are less mature than you are. Mature
slows thinking recognizes rationalizations and does it best to talk to you out
of them. So, they rely mostly on fast
thinking. They are driven by their
emotional needs.
Everybody
thinks everything all the time. Slow
thinking means using your mind to unravel these mixed signals from your brain
and decide which of them to act upon.
The more mature you are, the more variables you have to consider. One of the main functions of fast thinking is
to narrow options so that survival decisions can be made quickly.
Fast and
slow thinking are not absolutes.
Whenever you recognize fast thinking in yourself or in the people you
work with, you would do well to stop and slow down before you get lost in
confusion.
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SIGNS TO HELP YOU FIND
THE WAY
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1. Slow thinking moves towards gradations (any process or
change taking place through a series of stages, by degrees, or in a gradual manner)
rather than dichotomies (a division or contrast
between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely
different)
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Fast thinking dumbs down the
complexity of existence into two category system:
·
good and evil;
·
safe and dangerous;
like me and different.
Slow, businesslike thinking is
most often a process of balancing forces, rather than choosing one as better
than another.
Work decisions are usually dilemmas
that requires compromises rather than problems with a solution that is right
or wrong.
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2. Slow thinking moves towards internal rather
than external control
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Slow thinking begins with
yourself. The more mature you are, the
more clearly you realize that the most effective way to control your life is
to control your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Fast thinking looks outwards. It is reactive, based partly on instinctive
program for survival and partly on habits, which are thought and behavior
sequences that we have learned, mostly automatically, based on the contingencies
in our lives. A contingency is an
if-then situation.
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3. Slow thinking moves towards connection rather
than separateness
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Fast thinking is by its very
nature self-serving. Its purpose is
individual rather than group survival.
Mature, slow thinking appreciated
the fact that everything is connected to everything else.
Human beings are social
creatures. We experienced full
humanity only when we are a part of something larger. We demonstrate this connection by following
socials rules, examples:
·
Other people are just like me
o Fast thinking divides all humanity
into two categories: like me and different
o Empathy is what maturity is all
about.
o Vampires don’t get empathy. To them other people were created to supply
their needs
·
What’s fair is fair
o Mature, slow thinking adults use
their sense of fairness as a yardstick for measuring their behavior
o Vampires don’t do
reciprocity. They get what they want
when they want it
·
What you get is what you put in
o Adults understand that the more
you give, the more you get
o Vampires take
·
Other people have the right to say no
Social rules that emotional
vampires follow:
·
My needs are more important than anyone else
·
The rules apply to other people, not me
·
It’s not my fault, ever
·
I want it now
·
If I don’t get my way, I throw a tantrum
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4. Slow thinking moves towards challenge rather
than expediency
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Fast thinking view the choice
between safety and danger, where safety lies in avoiding what is difficult or
frightening.
Slow thinking recognizes that
everything in life changes and that we must change with it or be left behind.
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Understanding
where a problem comes from is not the same as solving it. It is far more important to understand the
mechanics of human problems, how they operate, and what to do about them than
it is to speculate about what causes them.
Emotional vampires’ immaturity allows them to operate without thinking
about whether their actions are good or bad.
Vampires see other people as potential sources for whatever they happen
to need at the moment, not as a separate human beings with needs and feelings
of their own.
Everybody
you know, including yourself, has some characteristics of each of the vampire
types. Everybody has some; nobody has
all. Most difficult people are a blend
of two or more vampire types.
To be continued……
Coming up next: know
yourself
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